Tag Archives: prayer

A miscarriage experience

The following is a letter to my son.  Even though he will not read this, it is necessary for my heart.

My dear son Rohan,

I was so looking forward to seeing you.  Your older brother was only 9 months when we found out you were on your way.  So, you definitely snuck up on us brotha.  I wasn’t worried though, God’s timing is perfect.  Take that back, I didn’t worry much.  But I did become anxious at times thinking about if I could produce enough milk to feed you, or if I would have to supplement like I did with your brother.  I knew you were coming when my body started feeling a-certain-kinda-way.  Constant nausea without the vomiting, for a few weeks, seems to be commonplace with our pregnancies.  Such a small price to pay for such an amazing gift.  You were no exception baby boy.

Your big sister had just started her first year of homeschooling.  You should have seen me trying to take her through lessons while being stretched out on the couch.  I thought I was pointing to words in a book for her to read along, but when I looked up my finger was all off the book somewhere.  I was too miserable to even sit up, but I tried really hard to remember I would only feel that way for a short season.

Your dad had me laughing.  He said that one day I was fine, then after we took the test and found out it was positive, within 24 hours I was an absolute mess.  I guess he couldn’t understand how it happened so fast.  Maybe he thought is was psychological, but I say, “welcome to the wonderful world of mommyhood”.  I knew something pretty much amazing was going on inside of me.  Your dad had me laughing on several occasions actually.  Just like he told me the gender of your brother and sister, he told me that you were a boy.  He chose a name for you shortly after.  That’s just how it’s been in our family.  Your dad was spot on with your siblings.  He lets me know when he feels really drawn to a particular name.  I have often found myself in prayer a lot after he reveals the name.  Once I told him I would pray the opposite of what he was praying.  Lol.  Talk about division.  It was all in fun, but some of those names were just hilarious to me.  I will probably holler (hearty laugh) if we see you in heaven and you’re a girl.

I thought I was on my way out of “baby season”, but I had to give up any thoughts of having a normal nights’ rest for a loooong time.  Well, you would have just given us a new normal.  Soon my mind began thinking about all the handmade items  I would make for you.  I started sewing last year, and it is such a joy to learn.  You were going to be so cute in your little appliqued tee.

It would have been so much fun seeing you grow alongside your siblings.  You probably would have knocked all of their milestones out of the park because you were trying to catch up with them and do everything they were doing.  Even though we will not experience the joys of having you here with us, we will remember you.  You have forever changed our numbers.  And when people ask me about my children, I will not forget you.  People don’t talk much about this stuff, you know?  I had no clue so many women share this same experience son.  I mean, you hear the numbers, but you really don’t think about it.  At least I didn’t.

I’ve thought about how I won’t be able to tell you that God loved you so much that He sent His only son to live and die for you on the cross.  But hey, you are way ahead of the game son now that you are with Him.  So happy for you.  Can’t wait to see you.  I must finish out my days here, allowing the Lord to guide me through each season of life.  Such a sweet partnership.  I pray this can be done in faith and with much joy in each experience.  You were a great reminder of the brevity of life.  I have found myself not being so uptight about certain things, because hey, tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

Son, you are special to me.  Hopefully I can comfort others with the same comfort I have received from God concerning you.  Until we meet……………..

Resting in His love, (you are doing the same)

Mom

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Conversations with “curly cutie” (round 13)

#1

cc:  Hey mom?

me:  Yes baby.

cc:  Baby boy looks so different now than when he was born.

me:  You think so?

cc:  Yeah, he looks kinda normal.

me:  Lol!

cc:  Lol.

#2

(It was nearing time for bed when I asked CC to return the staplers she was playing with back to the desk)

me:  Let’s go ahead and put those away, so we can get ready for bed.

cc: (talking to staplers) Well guys, I guess there won’t be a stapler convention tonight.

me:  Aghhhhhhhh!  LOL!

#3

(CC knew I had not been feeling well for a few days and decided she wanted to pray for me at bedtime)

cc:  And Lord, we know that mom hasn’t been feeling well.  So, we just ask that you would heal here BIG body.

me & dad:  (in the middle of the prayer) LOL!

cc:  What’s so funny guys?

me:  Sorry, you can continue.

cc:  If you could just make her big body feel better she will be all better.  And we just thank you for that Lord.

He came to set the captives free…….

even those I hold captive in my heart.

I look out of my window and all I see is gloom.  The grounds are saturated from the early morning thunderstorms. I’m sure as reports come in this morning, I’ll learn of the devastation that occurred throughout the state last night.

While the day seems dim from the storms, there is a sun shining ever so brightly in my heart this morning.

Background

As I talked with a close friend(A) last night, I was triggered by a comment she made concerning a mutual friend(B).  I was immediately taken back to a place of deep pain as I thought about my past interactions with friend(B).  A place in which I thought I had been making progress.  The reality is, I have been making progress.  But, as I recently learned, sometimes  this “healing business” is like peeling back layers on an onion.

I told myself, following a conference I attended this past weekend, that I would try to immediately take my “triggered feelings” to God.  Triggers come from unresolved traumatic experiences. My goal is to not run from the pain.  And when I feel it, take it directly to Jesus to see what He wants to say about it.

I gave it to Jesus last night and went to sleep.

Today

I shared my triggering moment with a prayer partner this morning who was happy to help me take it to Jesus again and see if He had anything to say.  We began by reflecting on an “appreciation moment”.  This is simply a moment that you feel strong appreciation for something.  Like an “ah!” moment.  They generally involve warm and pleasant feelings (i.e. a baby’s smile, nature’s beauty, moment of kindness from someone, etc.).  The following is what we saw.

Visual picture

I saw my friend(B) as young child.  With terror in her eyes she clinched a stuffed animal tightly in her arms while being scolded by her mother.  Jesus comes and kneels down beside her and puts an arm around her to bring comfort.  He turns his head to the left, looks at me, and says, “Please forgive her.”  Then, He rises up, walks over to the mother and places His hand on her heart until she calms down.

Prayer of release

Friend(B), I forgive you.  I forgive you for manipulating me, whether you knew what you were doing or not.  You were only doing what you knew how to do.  I release you from this debt.  You do not owe me anything.  You do not have to pay me back for the time I lost with my other friends.  I release you from this prison.  I forgive you.

Reflection

Of course, many tears accompanied this prayer. Oh, how I had been carrying that pain for a while now.  I couldn’t help but go back to my “place of appreciation” with Jesus.  He has done it again.  He has taken my gloom and filled my life with His glory!

At the visions end, Jesus walks over to me and embraces me in His arms.  I feel His extreme pleasure and delight.  I feel like I can love again without fear of being manipulated.  I feel like I can move on without the guilt of allowing myself to be taken advantage of.

I was a captive in the same prison I erected in my heart for my friend(B).  Jesus came this morning to set us both free.

Whom the Son sets free, is FREE indeed!  Have you tasted of the freedom Jesus brings?  Does it take you back to a place of appreciation?


pic found here.