What I shoulda said (on marriage)…..

You might want to start by reading this post for context.

High Five! is the post where I shared that we were expecting our second child.  I began the post with comments about my husband.

What I shoulda said…….

There was a time when I didn’t think I would ever get married.  One, because I come from a family of mostly women.  Women with children.  Women who are divorced or single.  I didn’t see marriage growing up, and I certainly hadn’t heard it being talked about much.  And two, because I really didn’t think I was worthy of being loved.  A lie.  This is the message my life circumstances communicated to me.  If my own parents were not intimately involved with the details of my life, why would anyone else want to be.  This is what I told my heart as a young child and wasn’t even aware of this reality.  Consequently, I grew up starved for affection and desperate for attention.  I guess it wouldn’t have been so bad if there was at least one man that loved me.  But, at some point, each one of them walked away.  Growing up, I held on to that lie and carried it around as if it had been tattooed on me.  I carried this lie into my marriage, it just changed forms.  Have you ever been made aware of something that was in your heart that you didn’t even know was there?  The lie went from, “I am not good enough to be loved” to “Oh, he really does love me, but……it will come to end.  He’ll leave at some point”.  See, that’s what my past taught me.  All men leave.  I believed it, and had no clue that was my basis for truth.

I now know that, in our own strength, our love has limits.  As much as we may want to love others purely and wholly (if we even make it here), we fall short.  In order for me to move forward, there was one thing I had to settle in my heart.  I am loved.  I AM DEEPLY LOVED.  I am deeply loved by the maker of heaven and earth.  He will never leave me or forsake me.  When he died, he said it was finished.  And if I believe in him I would not taste death (spiritual), and we would be together forever.  I had to tell my heart that this is my story and I’m sticking to it.  Even if no one else, in this life,  ever decided to spend their days with me……..I am loved.  My Father said so.  I believe it.  And that settles it.  Thank you Jesus.

Fortunately, I did marry a man that loves me.  Does he fall short in the expression of it at times?  Yes.  Get this, so do I.  These times don’t mean we are unworthy of love from the other.  It means we are broken individuals being put back together by the hands of a merciful God who is teaching us to love like he does.  Without condition.

For personal reflection:  What lies have you believed about your value as a human being?


5 thoughts on “What I shoulda said (on marriage)…..

  1. I have believed the lie that I am not worthy and have not done enough and have not accomplished enough to sit before the Lord in his presence and just rest there. As the Lord has been dealing with me this last week (as I finally opened my heart and mind to him) I am determined that with his help this Martha will become the Mary she so desperately wants to be.

    1. Yep, I understand the struggle. The world has a completely different reward system. God is more concerned with our “who” than our “do”. I have to keep myself reminded of the fact that although God is not always pleased with my actions/decisions, He is fully pleased with me (the person He created in His image). I bless your journey in intimacy.

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